I stood there, with the diary in my hand. One whole year out of my life – one whole year! Each day nicely annotated- this project finished, this project started. Lunch meetings here, dinner meetings there. A few days spent on the California coast, a few up in Canada. Good times with friends, old and new. Networking with new contacts, in a new field. This was the fun stuff – something that I did because I enjoyed it. It was not my field – I really had no business working in it. But my strengths came into play here – my ability to research, my ability to write a good letter.
And so it was, that over the course of the year, I developed a solid presence in this new field – a very small cog in the larger scheme of things, but one that kept things moving smoothly. A site that was respected became more so – it’s voice heard on an unobtrusive but consistent basis,accurately reflecting the world that it moved in.
The projects undertaken – each of them successful in their own right. Two books published, another on its way. Radio shows, speaking engagements, book signings – they all became part of life. A very new and different life. Still, a low profile was maintained. Still, it all seems like a dream.
Is my new house real? Did I actually move back to a city that I had spent seventeen years in? Am I finding what I expected to here? Am I happy here? Okay – define happy! Does lack of unhappiness indicate happiness? Does having work that you lo ve to do make you happy?
If I throw the diary away,does that wipe away the traces of this past year? Am I back at square one, in my old house, in my old life? Does the contract sitting on that table over there vanish too? The one that wants me to write a trilogy? If there is no evidence, was the life still well lived?
There is a lot of pain in that diary, along with the good times. The joy is balanced with the sorrow, the path at times not well lit. Let me place this diary with all of my other diaries. They are my touchstones, my proof that there was a life. Someday someone may want to know that.
Image from the “Tarot Lovers Diary 2011”, Karyn Easton, www.paranormality.com.
(c) February 2011 Bonnie Cehovet